Going Home?

My last serious religious topic post was about my search for a new religious path. I discussed Judaism, the possibility of blending paths with Paganism, but the more I thought on it, the more a blended path did not make sense. I then decided to write down what I believed, without any preconceptions and without trying to shoe-horn them into a path. These are just my personal beliefs, crudely shoved into words.

I believe in a divine spirit that permeates everything, beyond the comprehension of mere mortals. That divine spirit manifests itself in many forms to people across creation, with distinct masculine and feminine aspects. These divine aspects can be known as Goddess and God, but also through other deity names. 

My husband, Rune says that I definitely fit the mold for Paganism, and I’ve been reading into Wicca quite a bit lately. Everything I’m reading is making sense, a lot more sense than everything else I’ve been reading. I think I am much more a soft polytheist than a hard polytheist, despite the fact I tried to force myself to be a hard polytheist for ten years. it’s taken a lot to reconcile that belief, to accept that I am not a failure for stepping back from Hellenic Reconstructionism. It’s not me anymore, and now that I think on it, I don’t believe it ever was. It took major effort, not good effort, to do the whole Reconstructionist thing, and that was something that I tried very hard to do well. I observed the holidays, did the rituals, honored the Theoi, but it felt false. I finally admitted it, and now here I am.

I’m looking at the pile of Wicca books in front of me and remembering my first introduction to the Pagan community: Wicca: A Guide for the Solitary Practitioner by Scott Cunningham was the first book about non-Abrahamic Religions that I ever read, about fifteen years ago, and now it’s become the book I’ve gone back to for a refresher course in what I started out in the Pagan community with. I’ve also been reading the Farrar’s books The Witches’ Goddess and The Witches’ God, in addition to their Witches’ Bible.

I’m currently figuring out where I fall in things. As I move closer to this Wiccan path, it makes more and more sense. I just need to let go of my conscious brain and let my subconscious feel. Where do I feel the most at home?

It might be Wicca. We’ll have to find out. It’s time to go home.

Yahrzeit for Dad

I did my first personally meaningful Jewish thing tonight.... I've been to a Simchat Torah service (the end and beginning of the yearly Torah cycle) and a regular Shabbat service, but tonight I did something for me. I lit a Yahrzeit candle for my dad. It's a Jewish minhag (tradition/custom, but more formal and ritualized) that one is lit on the anniversary of a loved one's death and left to burn for twenty four hours. My husband helped me say a couple prayers, I was crying too much to say the prayers myself. As there aren't any set prayers for lighting a Yahrzeit candle that I could find, and I wasn't able to go to a synagogue to join up with a minyan (quorum of at least 10 Jews, Orthodox communities say only men but some Conservative and almost all Reform communities include women) to say the Mourner's Kaddish, we said four Psalms.

I miss dad so much, but I know he'd be proud of where I am right now. I may be spiritually in transition, in flux, but I'm making my life work. I'm putting one foot in front of the other and that's something I think he could get behind. I miss you, dad.

Zichrono livrachah. May his memory be for a blessing.

Going somewhere?

So, as I've told most everyone who reads this blog by now, I'll put it out for the internet at large to see. I'm officially uncertain of where my spiritual path is taking me. I still believe in the oneness of nature and the universe, I still believe that the Theoi of Hellas have a place in my life, but I don't know what that is or how it will play a role in the future. The Theoi of Hellas have given me so much and have led such wonderful things into my life, but I can't force myself to stay within the bounds of a path that isn't working for me anymore.

This all started about six months ago. I was starting to do a ritual and it felt....rote, routine, like I was going through the motions. This feeling has only increased as I've tried to go deeper and deeper into a pure Hellenic Reconstructionist path. This path, I have discovered, is not for me. It hurts just saying that. I've devoted five years to following the Theoi, ten years total as a pure Pagan of some breed or another, and now I've discovered that I'm being led somewhere else.

I've been doing a lot of research and reading on Judaism. More specifically, the Reform side of Judaism and the mystical aspects that the religion contains. I got a book today in the mail, Magickal Judaism: Connecting Pagan and Jewish Practice by Jennifer Hunter. I can't recommend it or not yet, as I haven't even opened it, but the reviews were interesting. My husband, Rune (who also walks a blended path, his of Episcopalian Christianity and Celtic/Norse Paganism), and I went to a temple recently and we were overwhelmed by the sweetness and outpouring of welcome that we felt. I picked this temple out of all the ones in the area because they had, on their website's homepage, a link to the Gay Jewish Network, and I've always been a big supporter of the LGBT movement. I figured, if they were open to people of alternate sexualities, they might be open about other things. There's a temple that is supposedly even more open about an hour away, but I don't want to have to drive that far if I don't have to.

I want to find that sense of community I'm missing. I really miss having people of the same or at least similar faiths around me, those that share the awe at the oneness of the universe and the overarching power of the creator (or creatrix, who knows, gender is beyond the One.) I don't know how to reconcile my previous beliefs with where I am now, but I am definitely not 100% Pagan anymore.

It feels weird to admit that, but part of me is being drawn back to the Abrahamic deity. I was born and raised Catholic, so I have a small background in the Bible (albeit from a Catholic, not Jewish perspective), but what bugged me about Catholicism was their.... stodgyness, I guess you could say. They had a book, they followed that book, and a dude in a white dress (as I called the Papal robes as a child) told everybody what to do, and his word was the Word of God on High. I couldn't stand that relationship with the One where you were subservient to Their will, that your beliefs and needs didn't matter.

From what I've read so far about Judaism, and I could be getting this completely wrong, the Jewish view of things is more negotiating with the One, working with the One, rather than bowing down to Their all-knowing point of view. I read an anecdote that went something like this: "Two rabbis were having an argument over a piece of Torah text. After a while a gigantic hand came down from the sky and pointed at one rabbi, saying, 'He's right.' The second rabbi nodded and then said, 'Alright, it's two against one, let's find some more people to ask." That really personified my relationship with the One, I want to have that open dialogue and discussion about my place in this universe. No way in hell am I going to claim that I have the chutzpah to go toe-to-toe with the One in a debate, but having that discussion of why something should be done is invaluable to me. Too often with Christianity and Catholicism in particular, I was just told "Because this is why it is done." I want to know why I am doing the Thing.

I guess the point to this ramble is to say, Watch out, Judaism, there's a little bear on her way!

Poem: Swerve

This is something that I was mulling over last night when I couldn't sleep.
--------------------------------
Swerve
When I get in a car, the anxiety
it starts immediately.
Cars moving on the left
A semi-truck approaching from behind
a motorcyclist up ahead
(WEAR A DAMN HELMET!)
and a truck on the right.
Too many lights,
everything is moving,
everything is moving too fast.
Then the feelings start.
I get to thinking.
My body goes into autopilot as I drive,
my brain starts stewing.
Thoughts are simmering
waiting to be released
waiting for the chance to see the light of day.
And then, like it always does,
it hits me.
"Why don't you?"
"What's stopping you?"
It would be so easy, my brain agrees,
one twitch
one muscle movement
and nothing would stop me
until the final stop.
It would all be over.
All of the anxiety,
all of the stress,
melting away like autumn leaves falling to the forest floor.
So I swerve.
----------------------------------------------------
That's literally some of the stuff that goes through my head when I'm driving. Sitting in the passenger seat of a car is kind of worse. Then I want to open the door and jump out. I hate driving.....

Ritual to honor Hera Telkhinia

Hello everyone, as of this first post I would like to talk about a ritual my husband and I did to honor Hera Telkhinia, Hera the Bringer of Rains as she was worshipped in Rhodes. The group Elaion runs what they call 'Practicing Apart, Together' rituals, and tomorrow one is scheduled to honor the Queen of all Gods. Unfortunately, my husband Rune was not going to be home tomorrow during the scheduled time, and I really wanted to honor the Queen of Marriage with my husband. He was also interested in participating in a Hellenic ritual, even though his path is nowhere near Hellas and their Theoi. To make things a bit simpler, I did the ritual today with Rune. 

The ritual went quite well. I split up the parts so that one person wasn't reading the entire thing and it was really nice to share some sacred time with my husband. Standing before our working altar, lighting incense and candles, making wine offerings and jointly reciting hymns.... it was a wonderful way to start the day. 

I look forward to the day that we are officially joined together in ritual before Hera Gamelia, the Goddess of Marriage. We are vaguely planning a ritual for our first mundane wedding anniversary, and having the chance to have the Queen bless our union would be wonderful.