This all started about six months ago. I was starting to do a ritual and it felt....rote, routine, like I was going through the motions. This feeling has only increased as I've tried to go deeper and deeper into a pure Hellenic Reconstructionist path. This path, I have discovered, is not for me. It hurts just saying that. I've devoted five years to following the Theoi, ten years total as a pure Pagan of some breed or another, and now I've discovered that I'm being led somewhere else.
I've been doing a lot of research and reading on Judaism. More specifically, the Reform side of Judaism and the mystical aspects that the religion contains. I got a book today in the mail, Magickal Judaism: Connecting Pagan and Jewish Practice by Jennifer Hunter. I can't recommend it or not yet, as I haven't even opened it, but the reviews were interesting. My husband, Rune (who also walks a blended path, his of Episcopalian Christianity and Celtic/Norse Paganism), and I went to a temple recently and we were overwhelmed by the sweetness and outpouring of welcome that we felt. I picked this temple out of all the ones in the area because they had, on their website's homepage, a link to the Gay Jewish Network, and I've always been a big supporter of the LGBT movement. I figured, if they were open to people of alternate sexualities, they might be open about other things. There's a temple that is supposedly even more open about an hour away, but I don't want to have to drive that far if I don't have to.
I want to find that sense of community I'm missing. I really miss having people of the same or at least similar faiths around me, those that share the awe at the oneness of the universe and the overarching power of the creator (or creatrix, who knows, gender is beyond the One.) I don't know how to reconcile my previous beliefs with where I am now, but I am definitely not 100% Pagan anymore.
It feels weird to admit that, but part of me is being drawn back to the Abrahamic deity. I was born and raised Catholic, so I have a small background in the Bible (albeit from a Catholic, not Jewish perspective), but what bugged me about Catholicism was their.... stodgyness, I guess you could say. They had a book, they followed that book, and a dude in a white dress (as I called the Papal robes as a child) told everybody what to do, and his word was the Word of God on High. I couldn't stand that relationship with the One where you were subservient to Their will, that your beliefs and needs didn't matter.
From what I've read so far about Judaism, and I could be getting this completely wrong, the Jewish view of things is more negotiating with the One, working with the One, rather than bowing down to Their all-knowing point of view. I read an anecdote that went something like this: "Two rabbis were having an argument over a piece of Torah text. After a while a gigantic hand came down from the sky and pointed at one rabbi, saying, 'He's right.' The second rabbi nodded and then said, 'Alright, it's two against one, let's find some more people to ask." That really personified my relationship with the One, I want to have that open dialogue and discussion about my place in this universe. No way in hell am I going to claim that I have the chutzpah to go toe-to-toe with the One in a debate, but having that discussion of why something should be done is invaluable to me. Too often with Christianity and Catholicism in particular, I was just told "Because this is why it is done." I want to know why I am doing the Thing.
I guess the point to this ramble is to say, Watch out, Judaism, there's a little bear on her way!
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